All of you who hurt quietly. Who wonder what’s wrong with you, who feel like you have everything going for you, but then it all seems to fall apart.
To those of you who are paralyzed, like a deer in headlights, when you hear what sounds like a raised voice, even if it’s only somebody talking loudly. To those who don’t know how to make people understand what’s going on, because you don’t understand it either.
To you, I say, I understand. I understand, even if you haven’t realized that there’s anything specifically wrong yet, if you just get into these moods sometimes and need some time alone. If you don’t want to watch psychological thrillers, because the sound of screaming victims puts you in a bad mood.
And You. I understand. When you try to tell people that there might have been something a little strange about your upbringing and they assure you that every family has one member like that.
When you choose not to go to crowded outdoor festivals or parties, and your friend laughs and says that they don’t care for crowds either, that they’ll probably just go for a little while, to make an appearance. When you know that once they’re there they will stay.
And they tell you about a boat party at the lake with loud music and drinks and everybody having a good time, so many people on such a beautiful day, and then they tell you that they understand, because they don’t really care for noisy places either. Just every once in a while.
And you think, ‘No. I don’t think that’s the same as what I feel’.
And you feel bad because they are inviting you to have fun, and you really don’t want to go, but you think you probably should. Get to know more people. Get out more.
And to those who think that fireworks are not as much fun as other people seem to think. Who get a headache even from thinking about it. And leading up to the time to go, you find yourself struggling to breathe regularly.
And people tell you that you’re in a mood.
Again.
You get in these moods. Why don’t you go do something about that?
And why can’t you hold a job?
Why do you sleep so much. You’ve gone to bed at 8 o’clock every evening. Do you really need that much sleep?
I understand why you sleep so much. I do.
Because when your friends and the people who love you have had it, and they ask you why are you like this all of a sudden, and you don’t know. You don’t know why.
You think that being a nomad might be a better lifestyle for you, moving from town to town, working odd jobs and sleeping where you can find a place. Or you dream of a small house far away from the nearest town.
If you wonder whether or not the loud voices that startle you have anything to do with excessive sleep, they probably do. They’re likely related. That and much more.
Every family does have that one person who sticks out, but I’m here to tell you that this does not make your situation normal. Even if, when you heard that explanation, you took it at face value, you knew that this wasn’t the same thing. But you convinced yourself that they were right. If you’re having second thoughts about that now, it means something. It does.
And I understand.
When nobody seems to know what’s going on, least of all you. When you try to explain and they tell you that we all have stress, we’re all dealing with things. If it makes you feel small, try not to let it.
And forgive the people who can’t understand. Not everybody knows that there’s even anything to understand. If they don’t know what it’s like when you hear two people fighting, then they don’t know.
But I do.
And you’re not wrong. You might be crazy, but you’re not mistaken. There is something wrong.
And I understand.